Rainforest of Horror, a Tale by Beatrice

Nature and I have never been the closest friends. When I was younger I enjoyed the occasional trek through the wilderness and I really didn’t care if I got sweaty or if a bug landed on me. But when I reached the years of makeup and hair straighteners I soon realized that nature is not a friend to my vanity. Now, as a general rule, I don’t hike or camp and most certainly do not swim. This prefaces the tale I am about to weave for you.



Husband and I lived in Sydney, Australia for all of 2009. In about March of that year a friend of ours offered up his home in a rural part of Australia for the weekend. We were very excited; it was going to be a nice holiday away from school. We went to the town of Robertson, the city where the movie “Babe” was filmed. There was a rainforest about a mile up from the house and we decided to hike the trail inside it. Yes, you heard me correctly. It was a rainforest: a legitimate rainforest a’la Fern Gully. Except there were wallabies and kangaroos.

I felt that considering my non-nature tendencies I was doing pretty well. The sunlight was dripping through the tree tops and the air was moist from the rain. It was at that moment when I felt something brush my pant leg. I bent down, unaware of the danger that awaited me, and pulled the leg of my jeans up to inspect my ankle. And there they were: LEECHES!!!



I immediately do the practical things and panic. I can’t help myself there are at least ten or twelve attached to my leg and even a couple on my shoe, attached through the mesh of my tennis shoe. I had no idea how long they had been on there and I was freaking out because I am anemic: my blood is so thin that if I lose even a little bit of blood I feel very sick.



I start screaming at my husband to come and get them off of me. It was a damsel in distress moment. I was crying and he was pulling them off of me. I was convinced that I was going to get a disease or bleed to death. But as Husband threw them on the dirt we were horrified as we watched them roll back towards us! One end of the leech flipped over the other as they came after us again! It was like a bad horror movie.

We ran, I repeat, ran out of that forest like frightened children. In the end I did not die of blood loss. (clearly) But my leg did bleed considerably. And the picture below is only a small example of the damage done. All in all I'd say that 40% was Physical damage and 60% Psychological.

I suppose the lesson is: if your Australian friend who has lived in the area his whole life tells you to put on knee high rubber boots before you go hiking- listen to him.

Of Internet Interviews and Tour Guide Barbie

INTERNET: Welcome to BlogSpot.com! Who do we have on the blog today?

BEATRICE & PORTIA: Hi, we’re Beatrice and Portia, long-time lurkers, first-time bloggers!

INTERNET: What can you tell us about yourselves, for all those readers out there who hate introductory blogs?

BEATRICE: Portia and I have known each other for 8 long and glorious years, and, thus, sometimes I cannot tell where my sense of humor begins and hers ends.

PORTIA: I’d say hers begins with “M”. Mine ends somewhere near “X”.

DRUM KIT: *badum tisk*

INTERNET: Are “Beatrice” and “Portia” your real names?

BEATRICE: *is distracted by video game being played in vicinity*

PORTIA: *gets sucked in as well*

INTERNET: …we’ll skip that question.

BEATRICE & PORTIA: *abandon Internet dialogue theme in favor of something more productive*

Without further ado (see what we did thar?)…

Ado: n. – time-wasting bother over trivial details.

Much Ado About Blogging: n. – A blog in which “ado” is a primary component of the title, which therefore encompasses entries spent discussing relatively insignificant details utilizing hopefully, potentially entertaining prose.

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Come along, people! This way please! Our tour on “Beatrice and Portia” is starting now!

*Touristy camera clicking*

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Beatrice and Portia met in 2001 in the 5th grade and bonded over a mutual love for the film The Mummy and all things mythological. Elementary school passed as they formed alliances with friends R and V, carried along with classic childhood lightheartedness. All right, let’s move on to Junior High!

TOURISTS: Ooh.

*Fanny packs rustle*

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Junior high was a time of transition, filled with pointless activities such as “The Pink Panther Club” and a short career in fan fiction that has been carefully hidden from the eyes of the mature adults with whom they now associate.

TOURIST: Are there any surviving members of “The Pink Panther Club”?

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: It is an ancient society that has since passed into legacy much like other clandestine societies such as the Opus Dei. Let’s move on to High School!

*More camera clicking*

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Freshman year was eventful for Beatrice and Portia. Not content with mere Internet fame on fan fiction, Beatrice wrote a fantasy novel that now effectively brings a blush to her cheeks. Portia nearly had a nervous breakdown after entering Geometry. Both spent one study hall period drawing on V with crayon.

TOURIST: Is the novel in the museum?

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: I’m afraid the only surviving copy is locked in a vault somewhere. I believe there’s been some discussion regarding whether to burn it for the greater good of humanity. Now, after freshman year came the Great Falling Out of 2006, after which Beatrice and Portia did not speak to each other until January of the following year.

*collective gasp*

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Yes, it was a dark time in history. However, the Peaceful Reconciliation of 2007 reunited the comedic pair.

*enter Junior Year Exhibit*

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: Junior year came and went, Portia both fell in love and was heartbroken, and Beatrice met the man who would soon become Husband. Junior year’s end was marked by the Second Great Falling Out of 2008. Beatrice then tested out of high school, married Husband in November 2008, and moved to Sydney, Australia, leaving Portia to finish high school without her.

*shuffling*

TOURIST: *raises hand* This tour is getting really boring!

TOUR GUIDE BARBIE: All right, fine. Portia was valedictorian, went to college, reconciled with Beatrice, she and Husband moved back home and she is now employed at a purveyor of women’s intimate apparel, while Portia attempts to battle the beast that is higher education. Happy fun times ensued, and now they’re here ready to make blogging history.



Hmm, this introductory post is constipated – it didn’t really flow well…